sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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