I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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