my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
