if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
