Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
