He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
