that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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