Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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