Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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