I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
