an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize