i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
