woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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