Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
