Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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