i love accidental penises.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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