The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
