Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
