I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
