got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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