Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
