i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
