two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
