I am spending my child support on dildos
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
