Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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