My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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