I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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