My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
