my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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