Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You're earring is so big in my mouth
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The adults are the big ones right?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
