my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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