Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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