How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
