none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
