Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
