I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
