so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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