I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
