Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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