6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
