Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
