I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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