it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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