If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
