I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
