K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
