I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
