I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
