Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
