so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
