guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
