Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
