His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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