i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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