Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
