I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
