She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
