He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize